Dysfunctional romance

When you're so used to bad, that good looks bad.

Someone said i have issues with expressing my feelings and emotions, i laughed at the irony, because i write, but somehow i don’t know how to express myself, but they were in fact right— I wouldn’t say i don’t know how to express, i would say it scares me to.

I don’t think I’ve ever been with people that make me feel seen, or heard, and i haven’t been with a lot of people, so you might question the finality of that statement.

If I’m asked what my type romantically is, the first thing i say is someone who is kind— I’m so used to being the empathetic person, the bigger person, the one that takes the high road, the one that puts others first, even if it means having to queue in myself.

I consider that a weakness, and an armor that people weaponize when dealing with me, and somehow i always find myself in situations with people like that.

“Maybe if i’m kinder, they’d be nicer”

“Maybe they don’t see me because i’m not visible enough”

“Maybe i don’t feel heard because i’m not speaking in a language they can understand”

The list goes on and on, somehow i end up blaming myself for this dysfunctionality, somehow i think it’s happening because of me, because i deserve it? and maybe that is why i remain in situations that i know i shouldn’t be in.

So, when new people come into my life, i look at them with doubt, with every form of skepticism , my brows furrowed, eagerly watching their every move, like I’m waiting for them to slip up? waiting for the sheep clothing to fall off, the mask i presume they wear to slip, and so i can go “ahaaa i knew it”

Call it self-sabotage or whatever, at this point you’d be helping me place a name on it, because i genuinely do not know.

My behavior… is that trust issues? am i unable to trust people? because i feel everyone is the same or because i believe i do not deserve something pure, stress free, healthy?

Have i become very accustomed to dysfunctional romantic settings, that i subconsciously watch out for it? is it caution or am i just doing what a lot of people hate, — generalization?

I don’t even know where i’m heading with this newsletter, truthfully, i just needed to rant, while i make sense of my thought.

I’m not looking for a prince charming to come sweep me off my feet, no, i’m not looking for something or someone perfect, i think i want to feel stability, and not feel like it’s about to get snatched from me, or like it’s a calm before the storm.

I want to be able to express myself without holding back because i know i’d be heard, I want something that says i hear you, i see you and i’m here, consider this your safe space.

I’m not a hopeless romantic, i cringed so hard writing this newsletter, i guess the person i mentioned at the start of this was right, maybe i don’t know how to express myself without thinking it weird.

sorry i had to add a disclaimer, but a girl is allowed to dream, at least. no?