First born daughters & romantic relationships: A psychological perspective

Balancing serving and being served.

I haven’t written to you in a while, and I missed writing to you too.

I’m listening to intentions by Justin Bieber, while I dance in my room, pretending he’s singing to me

A common misconception that people have about me is that I don’t care about love, and I always act tough and not care about anything— it’s funny.

I believe I need to be in an environment where I feel safe to love, in order to show it, so that when I love, I can love wholly, entirely, and unapologetically— if that makes any sense? I believe, in order to grow and thrive, you need an environment that supports and enables it, and that brings me to how I deal with relationships as a first-born daughter.

I’ve heard first daughters say “my man doesn’t think I’m very feminine” I understand and very familiar with this statement because as you might already know, I’m a first-born daughter myself— I want things done a certain way, I can be stubborn, commanding and sometimes unagreeable.

Loving or dealing with a first-born daughter requires a certain type of emotional maturity and understanding of how their position has influenced the kind of person they morphed into.

As a first daughter, those are traits that I possess— before being a girlfriend or wife, I’m a first born daughter first, those traits are how I make sure things run smoothly at home, they are ingrained in my DNA at this point— I’m a nurturer by default, I instinctively want to clean up after others, set rules, be stubborn about decisions so I don’t get walked all over, disagree on some things and put my foot down as a defense mechanism, and as a way of keeping everyone in check.

The fact that I become a girlfriend or wife, doesn’t automatically wipe off these instincts, the same way housing a wild animal in a domestic environment doesn’t take away its carnivores’ instinct.

Being with a first daughter requires a huge deal of understanding, patience and definitely learning how to overlook some things and extend grace while keeping in mind that it’s not her fault she has those traits and instincts engraved in her mindset but rather support her and make her feel safe enough to let you hold the mantle for her.

As a first daughter, I’m still learning how to sit back and let others make decisions for me, or take care of me, not because I don’t trust them to do it well, but because I’m simply not used to that setting.

I’m learning and unlearning certain things and acknowledging the fact that is okay to let others take the lead sometimes— it’s hard, but I’m trying.

Although, being a first daughter comes with a lot of maternal instinct, and a sense of responsibility— people have often complimented that, but I don’t even know if that’s a good thing?

The fact that I want to do things myself, and don’t trust others to do it, the fact that I want to save people, and the fact that I instinctively want to clean up after people— is that a good thing? or is it just my programming and the psychology of a first-born daughter carefully wrapped in slavery?

“Oh, you’re a first daughter, so you’d know how to take care of children and a family”

It’s almost like, you tell a person you’re a first daughter, and they can already imagine you slaving away for their own comfort— this is why I said, I don’t know if I should even see that as compliment.

Lastly, how do you handle the overwhelming traits of being a first daughter, while being in a romantic relationship? and how do you combine them in a way that it isn’t overbearing?

I’m not wrapping this newsletter up with an advice or anything, because i genuinely don’t know how to navigate this, not now nor in the long run, but I’m learning and unlearning is all I can say. Thanks for reading. (attached below is the psychology of first-born daughters and shaving savior complex)